I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
