thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
