The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
