this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
