So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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