we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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