11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He has the fingertips of a God
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