So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
