i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Randomize
