Umm I'm too high to move.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
