He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dignity is for republicans.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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