Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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