ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
