I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
