this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
