guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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