I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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