textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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