I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
