phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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