what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
