walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
