TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
