When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
