You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
