If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
