Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
