Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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