Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
