you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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