I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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