No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
