I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I have already put on my inside pants.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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