i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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