Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
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