Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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