Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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