Already got asked if we're dating
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
