I saw his package. It spoke to me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
