she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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