the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize