I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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