Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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