I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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