I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
