I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
