Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need water and some morals
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
