Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
