You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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