is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
