i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
