I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
